Let me first start this blog post by saying that I hope my twenties are the toughest part of my life, because living them this last month and a half have been very tough. No joke.
In just the last few days God has made what I want, a very serious no! And in doing so, has made me realize that every so often I have these moments of “What have I become?” which then leads to a ton of internal dialogue that creates a desire for change. The scary thing, is that as soon as I feel change has arrived to my hearts contentment, I let the desire pass and my life goes back. Back to the mellow chaos that I settle for when the storm has finally passed. Maybe it’s just life…. Or maybe its my simple disregard for God’s word. I recently read a blog about living intentionally and although the message was very encouraging, I found myself asking…. “How can I live more intentionally? What does that mean when I fell like I am exhausting myself every day I live….?” I work hard and care deeply for each person I work for, I make sure my kids are active and loved and above all else I try to make the love of Christ evident to the people I come into contact with on a daily basis. So how much more could I be living intentionally? Am I THAT disconnected from Christ that I am missing His call for true contentment? Oh wowza.
I have been feeling a serious call for deliverance ever since I noticed that Isabel knows the words to most of the secular music I listen to in the car. And believe me when I tell you that we, as a family, spend a TON of time driving. She can tell me the words to Britney and Lady Gaga, can ask me for a certain song on their albums and finish the lyrics to any song I am singing around the house. Sadly, none of the music is God glorifying. She knows some Hillsong, but she prefers to hear music that makes her want to dance. What does this mean for me as her mother? I so desperately want her to understand how much she is valued in the eyes of her Heavenly Father, but have I done more damage by encouraging her to not glorify Him even in the music she listens to? When I began having this internal dialogue, I started to feel guilty. Guilt has a strange way of leaving as quickly as it comes, so naturally I tossed these thoughts into the back of my mind.
That is until yesterday.
I have been seeking something out for quite some time and every time, God has gently nudged me away from it; beckoning me with His gentle voice to not seek things out of His will for my life. What’s worse, is that I have, as is said before, let this go… for a time. I think subconsciously I just tucked it away with the idea that later on in life(who knows when that is) things would be as I imagined they would. If you have ever been given multiple chances by someone you love to change you can clearly understand how it feels when they finally throw the hammer down and say “ENOUGH!” Let me tell you something, God brought the hammer and it came in the form of embarrassment and shame yesterday. In fact, I can still feel the burning in my eyes as I spent most of the night crying it out. God demands ALL of me, I have known this for years and at multiple points in my life I have given Him everything. There was the first pregnancy and it’s declaration that I would not have another child out of wedlock; The failed fiancé that swore he’d love me forever with an understanding that God’s love was all I would ever need; The second pregnancy and failed relationship with his father and asking God’s forgiveness for so many wrongs; The regret that came with not accepting my college education when it was handed to me,but the realization that God can make a way without a degree; The wishing I had set my children up for more success when I was laid off for 6 months and somehow maintaining the costs of diapers and food….
The lost could go on and on and on.
God has been faithful. Faithful to my children when I have not and faithful to their well-being by placing people in my life that have Godly wisdom. I can’t think of the amount of energy I have spent in pursuit of all things non God related, only to find that He is the one left standing with me when I need redemption. I serve an ever present and ever gracious Lord. So what makes my twenties SO DARN DIFFICULT??Internal thoughts? Guilt? Regret? Stress? The inability to connect with some on the emotionally intimate level? What? I bet you’re thinking of the answer as I write this, just as I am.
The human mind is a dangerous thing when it only hears itself. I can very surely thank the Lord for my best friend (and sister) Sophie. She shows me the patience and reliability that Christ has for His people when I confess that I have fallen short of the glory of God. She listens to me cry when I am without hope, she helps me with my kids when I feel overwhelmed and she and her husband Grant are living examples of what a God centered marriage looks like. Praise God for sisters! Sophie Haines, you are my hero in the faith (and out of it I guess). I thank the Lord every time I see you J
In these two women, God has been faithful to me. What an awesome thing to grasp, when you realize that God love you enough to bring people into your life that will nurture and harness you’re faith when you walk away; to remind you that God is still something to be feared and followed with fervor. I love my kids so much that I work myself into exhaustion just trying to make sure they have access to the things they need. What I have come to understand now, is that Christ loves me enough to grant me access to the things I need, not the things I want. Not to say that what I want, won’t fall into the spectrum of God’s will, but the things of this earth can disguise themselves as such; creating a false sense of needing things apart from and out of the will of God.
I know, lot’s to digest. Even as I write this I wonder if it’s too much for you guys to read. Like it’s way too long. I needed to get it out! I make a vow to this blog today that I will maintain a level of accountability on this blog. I will work out my faith with fear and trembling in front of all of you, bear with me :/
Philippians 2:12b – 13 “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His great purpose.”
XOXO
XOXO
